A year ago my prayers changed.
I had spent the two years prior telling the Lord what my timing was, telling Him what I needed. What I wanted was what He should have wanted for
me. After disappointment, after
disappointment, after disappointment I became a little disenchanted with prayer.
I have been on
my knees, praying in utter desperation and have been denied. And my trust wavered.
I have been pregnant 8 times and I have three amazing
children. Each loss, though, resulted in time spent
contemplating God’s relationship with me and my relationship with Him.
For the past 3 years my husband and I have hoped and prayed
for another little one in our home.
I wrestled with the Lord. I tried over and over again to make Him understand.
Trusting others is no easy task. When my kids walk up or down stairs, I still turn to each of
them and tell them to be careful on the stairs. Yes. Even my
eleven year old, who has become quite proficient at walking. I just don’t trust that they will be
careful on their own without my warning.
Anytime my husband disciplines our children I hover near by, ready to step in, just
in case he doesn’t know what to do.
Umm. He’s a vice principle
of a school and a veteran elementary teacher. He knows discipline.
I could see this pattern continuing as I counseled with the Lord.
But a year ago my prayers changed. I stopped wrestling and I submitted. I conceded that God had more foresight
for my life than I. I didn’t
necessarily do this willingly. I
had no other recourse than to relinquish control.
I came to this
conclusion after many experiences, and many moments pondering and listening to this talk, which spoke so directly to me. She
had 3 children already. She wanted
more. She had been denied. She began feeling all of the same
things I had been feeling.
Her humility and willingness to trust the Lord was so
impressive to me. She promised to
do whatever was asked of her and I was scared to offer this kind of prayer. I doubted my own dedication, my ability
to keep a promise like that.
So when I spoke to the Lord this time I told Him the size of
my family was in His hands. I
cried. And then I made plans for
myself that didn’t include another person in our family.
At first I had to remind myself quite often that I was
leaving this in the Lord’s hands, but soon the peace of that decision overtook
me. The Lord confirmed to me over
and over again that He knew best.
I felt still small stirrings inside that let me know that trusting was a
happier road.
And I began to look forward, making plans to embrace the
next stage of my life with all of my children in school full time. Nothing I came up with felt right but I
continued my search for my new place in the world.
And then a few months ago, out of the blue, I took a home
pregnancy test and got a positive result.
I was stunned, to say the least.
I actually began laughing hysterically.
I’m so grateful that I didn’t continue my wrestle with the
Lord. The past year could have
been lived in turmoil; my resentment building and that dark shadow that follows
loss of faith could have become a permanent fixture. Continuing that fight wouldn’t have changed the outcome, but
it sure would have affected the quality of my life, my family’s life and my
relationship with my Savior.
This brings me to one of my all time favorite quotes from
C.S. Lewis from his book Mere Christianity:
“Give me all of you!!!
I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money,
and so much of your work. I want
YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate
the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT!
No half measures will do. I
don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the
whole tree out! Hand it over to
me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and
dreams. Turn them ALL over to me,
give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will
give you Myself. My will, shall
become your will. My heart, shall
become your heart.”
I continue to hesitantly offer the Lord my life, branch by
branch, working toward the trunk and roots of my desires, wishes and
dreams. With each piece of myself
I give up, I find more peace and more happiness. When new wrestles begin, I hope I can remember to stop
wrestling and start trusting.
